Last year I made a goal to write our birth story for this little Mr. Indigo Bean. I just couldn’t do it. For now I want to piece some of these memories together before they fade into the toddler years and beyond.
Patching Together This Birth Story; Patch 1:
When we were told you have all the pre-indicators for T21 (Down Syndrome)
My heart, as it ascended to the lump in my throat making it absence of speech, left an empty feeling in my stomach. As my heart swelled with joy to have another baby boy in my arms, speech became even harder to grasp/to form. As the throat lump grew and the empty feeling in my stomach became more vast, it collapsed on itself, folding over all those feelings that intense experiences bring. Releasing the feelings fear and layering the feelings of big big love. I then cried and my first words to my son were “I love you”.
Hurry hurry, busy busy, rush rush. These are most of our days for most of our years. Please pluck me out of it all for just a few and land me near the trees and the rivers.
We’ll cross some bridges and blaze some trails. We’ll smell the warm air and hear the creek. Following until we meet the river where the old growth sings, where an old dog greets us later to be greeted by his old man companion.
We get advice exchanging smiles in the sun.
We’ll skip some rocks and we’ll find the perfect walking stick (then leave it behind). We’ll capture brief moments and pick some flowers.
You are slowly slipping away from us and entering into your own. This is your last Spring as a child and soon to be your last childhood Summer. You will have more significant times than this, that is true, but Dad and I will savour this one. Sip from it when we need to, the memories of you so young.
It has been a new different kind of year for us. It has been hard to branch out, hard to over extend ourselves (although we have more than ever this year, just in a different way) and hard to say no (of course; this is a long time issue I deal with; I think this is especially hard for females but that is a different conversation…).
While I am learning to say “no” more I am also feeling like I can say “yes” more. This is very interesting and powerful. The power of “yes” is very freeing and so is the power of “no”.
These are just some every day thoughts.
If you follow my blog you will see these pop up more.
Before the cake, before the pressies, and sometimes before the coffee I dig deep and think of you for a moment.
Every year on my kids’ birthdays I listen to Pink Floyd’s “Wish you were here” (the song).
Why?Because for just a brief moment in my life, although I don’t solely think of these things for just these specific moments in time, I want to think of the families who cannot physically be with their children.
Goodness we’ve had our struggles over the years and Indigo’s first birthday will be met with all the love and attention he deserves (and more).
But this year in particular I thought it necessary to share this little window into my heart, my compassion, my parenting choices, a bit of my humanity.
So I listen and I kiss my newly one year old and I think of your babies and I send my love to them and you.
Blessings blessings blessings!
Below is a post that I never got around to finishing due to issues with our web site last week.
I’m happy to say that we made it through our week of no grocery shopping and that we could have made it another week with no problems. I’m so glad that we made the choice we did, to do something out of the ordinary, taking a risk and finding our balance again.
************************** This is likely to not work for my family as we usually shop for our food weekly but we will see how it goes. We indulged last night as one of our favourite (highly over priced) restaurants is going out of business this weekend. It was a sad night for sure as we enjoyed our last meal with them. Our server teared up, the people around us were acting like jerks, but we maintained calm and respect for the place our Treetrunk boy had come to love and expect as a once or twice a year treat (typically at graduation time and another random celebratory day/night). We had our crispy calamari with plum sauce, we all got fancy drinks, we ate pad thai and drunken noodles. The spicy yummy goodness was enjoyed by all. Tonight we play it down with a 4 bean, wild rice, turkey chili. Tomorrow we will make pizza pizza pizza. Sunday will be cornbread and chicken hotdogs. Then I’ll have to really start scrapping the pantry and freezer for the rest of the week. I’m sure there will be at least two of my infamous “breakfast for dinner” nights. Yesterday Treetrunk and I found that a potato had seeded in the yard debris bin so we will utilize those to make Latkes. Hmmm, there are so many options when you really start looking. I have plenty of seeds and nuts I can sprout. I’ll start with buckwheat groats and sunflower seeds. It’ll be a great week for experimenting! The silver lining here is that we are blessed with food in our home and community. If I really need to I can go to the local grocery store and buy discounted produce. If I need some extra protein I can cook up the chicken liver and hearts I have stashed in the freezer. We will be ok. Sadly I cannot say that about all families this week. We will be thinking of them as we enjoy our bounty.
**************************************** We never made our pizza, corn bread or Latkes. We were out of eggs and I really wanted to stick to my “No Shopping Week” commitment. The word “Perspective” was used a lot last week. Because we didn’t buy any groceries we were able to donate a little gas money to a friend so she could get her son to important appointments and we were able to donate a little towards a friends La Leche League volunteering dues.
Not only did we eat wholesomely and without struggle we also managed two dinners for another family who welcomed a new baby into the family where the mother is slowly recovering from a C-section. There had been some complications with the surgery site and they needed just this little extra help.
I’m so grateful for this wonderful place we live in where people take care of each other and the where the earth is abundant in rich soil and healthy foods.
We are truly blessed!
Nico and Family
Seven years ago today I was awaiting my “friend’s” return from a visit with his son who lives very North of us, an all day trip there and back.
He told me in a text message that he had something he wanted to discuss with me when he got back. He came straight from the road trip to my house. It was late afternoon, we walked to go pick up my son from daycare, we were holding hands walking by a huge patch of clover when he said, “I decided that I love you…” I don’t really remember the rest because my head filled with possibilities and dreams. The rest of the night was magical.
Later I found out that at that time a friend was giving birth. In a way so were me and my now hubby.
We call this day our Love-a-versary. It represents a time when we committed to love and the act of loving without much of a plan, just loving each other.
Gratitude*Sunday is a wonderful way to be intentional with the blessings life brings you and the ones that you are creating. Thank you Wooly Moss Roots for sharing this tradition with us.
I’m grateful for so many things, here are a few of them:
*Our oldest (Treetrunk) returning from a month long vacation with his bio-dad and step family. I missed him deeply. Now we are trying to get back to some sort of normal before the school year starts up again.
*Good friends returning “home” after being away for almost three years, hurray! I foresee dinners and long conversations shared in the near future.
*Our amazing, thoughtful, generous community. We do so well raising up these incredible little people together.
*Our tiniest (Indigo) is sitting up, mostly on his own, rolling over and EC is going really well. He is so incredible and intelligent. He is reminding us of all that magic and wonder of childhood.
*I’m regularly meditating and sending positive energy to our middle boy (Oboster) so far away and entering the 7th grade this year. This will be the year of great changes for him.
*I’m grateful for the opportunity to consider full time homeschooling. Yes, we are here once again. As the months draw closer to high school we must think seriously about this. Thanks to Hubby we can actually make it happen if it turns out to be the right thing.
*I’m grateful for simple things like knitting needles and yarn and the skills to create something sweet and special.
As per our family usual, we are doing things at our own pace. With many different needs of our three very different kiddos this way of living suites us best and allows for optimal parenting choices. Needless to say, I was not on time for Yarn Along with Small Things once again but no matter (use link to find out more about this weekly online event). I figure better late than never. This lifestyle choice has released me from a lot of my stress. Stress that goes back to my childhood. There is less family arguments and more enjoyment in our outings, as it should be.
Love to you and yours,
P.S. Enjoy the pictures below. Summer is almost gone, bring on the Autumnal joy.
“Raising Nuestros Ninos: Bringing up Latino children in a bicultural world.” by Gloria B. Rodriquez, Ph.D. Whit’s Knits: Baby Bonnet -The Purl Bee for baby Indigo.
Wow, this is LONG overdue. Spring is here and brings with it plenty including plenty to be grateful for. More than the average bear.
Life has been, well, challenging to say the least.
Mama Swan and Mr. Indigo.
*Our tiny son (Mr. Indigo) was born at 37 weeks (1/31/13), with Down’s Syndrome, and various complications that lead us to a specialized children’s hospital over 100miles from home. Among other things, he had pneumonia, major intestinal surgery due to duodenal stenosis, collapsed right lung, delayed response after surgery that lead to a CT scan, blood draws and x-rays galore…so much. It brings tears to my eyes retelling just a small portion of this experience. OUR BOY LIVED! He’s happy and healthy at home now.
*The community outpouring of love and support (from kind words to financial assistance) has been phenomenal, over the top, beautiful. We are blessed by our community and extended communities.
*Our family and friends (who are family by way of love)…we couldn’t have done this without you. No amount of years and tears and gestures of grandeur can express how much you mean to us. You know who you are!
These past few months have really taught me to slow down, take notice, and give it your best. Life is short. Be thankful for what you have and do what you can to make life a little sweeter for yourself and those you share this life with.